Am I something, do I matter?

Am I something, do I matter?

I cleaned shit from the tiles in the bathroom,
I cleaned pubic hairs from the toilet seats in our home;
I cleaned pots and trays with leftover grease deposited from a previous nights baked dinner;
Am I something, do I matter?

I made a hot breakfast for a teen boy who is addicted to the internet;
I offered breakfast to my teen girl;
I make lunches for my kids before school;
I shop for food for those lunches and breakfasts;
Am I something, do I matter?

Yesterday, my daughter told me "fuck off" under her breath;
Today my wife told me "she didn't care" what I thought about how to raise our son;
Today my other daughter told me "You are useless";

I live in a world where the good that I do doesn't get credited,
but when I do something to disappoint, I am reminded of my shortcomings quickly and directly;

What is it all for?
Why do I try to give my kids the best I can?
Because I love them and want them to have the best I can give them.
But if what I can offer is not enough, then I am told "you are not wanted around"

I feel like an idiot and a fool because when my kids ask me for something, I can't say "no";
But when I do not meet their expectations, they say harsh and mean things to me that I never would say to my parents;

My wife says she hates my parents because of how they raised me;
I don't hate my parents, but she does;
I don't think my saying hurtful things about my parents matters to her;
I don't think saying hurtful things to me matters to her;
somehow saying hurtful things to me, works for her, it somehow makes her feel rejuvenated or energized.  I don't know why else she would say it.

I think when people are young, they say anything that enters their minds and they don't hold themselves responsible for the consequences;
It is a sign of the lack of maturity of youth;
Because in reality, the things we say and do in life all carry consequences - it's just that some young people are relieved of their responsibilities and consequences...
After all, if your words don't cause bleeding or a car wreck or some other physical form of damage
How much damage could I have created?

When you grow older, someone is going to say something to you that is going to absolutely cut you to pieces and it will only be words;
Only then when you realise the hurt you might be causing me with your obvious disgust in me;

You are all disgusted because I don't work in a job right now;
Denise has told me how Jackson hates me;

So what do I have here at 15 Lindsay street?
Shall I continue to shop and cook and wash and clean and mow lawns and pick up dog shit?
What for?
What my kids think of me is my most valuable possession in life;
And they don't think much.

I keep getting this feeling that I've outlived my usefulness;
In the beginning, I was necessary to help create the kids and qualify for the houseloan;
But today, Denise has got a solid career and good communications with her kids;
She's got their respect too;
The only things my kids need now is more room to grow and put their possessions and more money to fund their lifestyle;
IN alot of ways, the things I've come to teach my kids I've done the best I can

But sticking around while their mother sticks the book into me is not teaching them anything positive about manhood or fatherhood;

I just don't think I'm making much of a contribution anymore
and I am certainly not having any fun;
and I am certainly not doing a whole lot of good.